Written by Peter Watkins (peterw0@aol.com)) and Richard Gregson (rmg@st-and.ac.uk) during an exceedingly boring summer, enjoy

back to the spoof pages

EPISODE 4 - A FUTILE HOPE: The Evil Empire has built itself a bloody great Deathstar (tm) with which it vows to wipe out all parties in the Galaxy (tm). Luckily the Rebel Alliance led by Princess 'kinky' Leia has obtained at great expense (and no obvious scripting) the plans for this awesome weapon (tm). As the plans are carried back to Alderan aboard a diplomatic transport, things are about to go horribly wrong. Meanwhile the last hopes of the Galaxy are pinned on a bogus Jedi Knight and his unwitting protégé Luke Skywalker. It looks like pants for the Galaxy....

There was darkness and then a faint glimmer of light. Luke reluctantly opened his eyes and tried to ignore the pounding headache. He quietly resolved never to drink 8 pints of his uncle Owen's home-brew again and especially not to add fermented and distilled droid sump oil. Luke grimaced as he tried to remember what he was doing that day. Something about power converters he thought. "Sod it I'll get them tomorrow". Then there was a knock on the door. It was his Uncle "Luke - get up you lazy good for nothing Bantha turd - I need you out at the Western dune five minutes ago!" Luke staggered to his feet and muttered a reply under his breath. "Coming uncle" he rasped through the fur on his tongue. Peering blearily in the mirror Luke got dressed and prepared to face another thrilling day on Tatooine.

Meanwhile up in the atmosphere a rather naff Correlian Transport craft is being chased by a Huge paper dart. Aboard the Dart a figure dressed in a kinky skin-tight leather suit with a black bondage mask on looks on. On the Correlian transport R2D2 is being berated by C3PO, "R2 what do you mean you've accidentally blown the main motivator unit of our ship!", bleep bip bloopyedy blip. "That'll teach you to download droid porn into the ships main computer, I already told you it wasn't interested in you. Where are you going!". R2 rolls down the corridor in disgust as C3PO is left reeling from left to right in a vain attempt to look like the ships is being shot at.

The Paper Dart loses patience with cheap acting and decides to blow the shit out of the annoying diplomatic transport. With a horrible screech of tearing duralloy the transport begins to fall apart. The droids are hurled violently into an escape pod which promptly malfunctions. Threepio attempts to talk to it and in desperation the ships computer ejects them. Meanwhile the transport has been vaporised and the crew beamed aboard with severe skin burns and adrenaline rushes from overacting. The escape pod tumbles towards the desert planet below. R2D2 plugs himself into the guidance systems and twirls his head. This fuses the systems entirely and the pod loses control. Minutes later it punches a fiery hole through the atmosphere and impacts with colossal force into the sand. Shaken, the two droids emerge and smoking lightly look around them.

Darth 'kinky boots' Vader stalks up to Princess 'apple danish' Leia "Darth Vader, only you could be so bold as to ruin my Birthday Party, when my father on Auldoran finds out you'll be in...", cut in Leia. "Spare me the name dropping please Princes, if this is a birthday party where is the cake?!", Vader screeches "We are party animals we need no cake!", replies Leia speaking calmly as one speaks to children and psychotic lunatics. "You are no party animal, you are a member of the rebel alliance and a spy, take her away!", Vader turns to his commander. "Look you idiot, if you hadn't blown up their ship I could have told you to 'Tear that ship apart and find me those plans, I want them intact'" "Sorry sir, I urk, urm, urgle!", he falls to the floor. "And for goodness sake man stop overacting!"

Back at the farm, uncle Owen is waxing lyrical. "Did I ever tell you about your father ?" he asks Luke suddenly. Luke perks up suddenly from clearing the sand out of the moisturevaps. "No!" he exclaims. Owen takes a deep breath. "Your father is none other than the famous Darth Vader." Luke goggles "Not Darth Vader - the bastard of Belspin, who single handedly crushed the rebel outpost there wearing nothing but a pair of bunny slippers and a heavy calibre blaster!" he gasps. "The same" says his uncle, "Your father once shot down 50 Rebel Y-Wing fighters in a single battle." Luke is distinctly unimpressed "So what - Y-Wings are crap. Search your feelings Uncle - you know it to be true." "OK OK but did you know that he challenged the Emperor to an arm wrestling contest?" "No - what a great warrior my father must have been." " Aye he was that lad," says Owen with a inexplicable and poorly executed Yorkshire accent, "but the Emperor is the Man and arm wrestling champion of the Galaxy. I said to your father "Anakin, Anakin don't be a fool", but he went and did it anyway. Lost of course and carelessly fell into a pit of molten metal. Has to wear a ridiculous skin tight survival suit now. Very sad. Still he's doing OK now - the Emperors right hand man and all that." Meanwhile several kilometres away just outside a smouldering escape pod. "Beep blip beeeepp weeble!" "Of course I'm going to use the sonic screwdriver you maladjusted pile of scrap." Threepio adjusts his sonic screwdriver to 'repulsorlift' mode but the motivator unit in the screwdriver handle chooses this moment to explode violently, throwing the droids backwards. R2D2 ends up comically buried headfirst in a sand dune. In a dimension far far away there is the sound of distant cheering.

"R2D2 you useless lump of corroding metal, get out of that sand dune at once!" Bleep, bleep, bleep!, replies R2. "Don't you swear at me young droid, if you hadn't tried it on with the ships computer we'd never be in this mess!" Bleep "Well I'm going off now to be captured by midgets so don't you go bleeping at me!", C3PO stomps off and gets captured by midgets who shout "Buteeni!", at him (language note: Buteeni [boo-teen-i] is an all-purpose word in the Jawa language, it means variously "Move that bloody droid", "why yes young man we do sell rotten bananas" and "No Mr Imperial officer we don't know where we got these droids or where they went, please don't shoot me, no really, I don't react well to blaster holes, besides I only just washed this garment last year I don't want soot on it").

Meanwhile, imperial troops have landed beside the wreckage of the pod. An imperial grunt picks up a piece of burn metal that looks identical to every other piece of burnt metal that is lying about the landscape, "<chhsssss> Look sir, coffee pots.". "<chssss> Your right, inform Lord Vader that there were two escapees, a coffee pot and a toaster. They shouldn't get far since they don't have any legs". Another grunt pipes up, "<chssss> Sir, rather than being common household implements might they not be droids?". "<chsssss> Good though man, they might be at that. Quick lets check shopping up the Jawa's Droids-R-Us all desert emporium, they'll have the coffee pots we're looking for."

Back at the Owen establishment, Luke is coming in for lunch. He is covered in sand and not in a good mood. Moodily he slumps down in his chair. His uncle eyes him suspiciously. "Luke - you're bored. Go over to the Jawa market this afternoon and find some droids. A nice golden interpreter would be nice along with an R2 unit - we can rip out its innards and use it as a water barrel or cooking pot."

And on the Paper Dart... "Death Star coming in range sir." "Great - open fire!" "Are you sure that's wise Lord Vader - the orgasmatron on the front of that thing would cause us to die in a rather sticky and painful way." Vader blinked "What was I saying - activate the tractor beam. Once aboard, transfer the Princess to prisoner cell block H." "As you wish sire."

At the Owen establishment Luke is in a heated argument over the price of C3PO and an metal bin, "Look that R2 unit has a bad motivator unit! It's not worth that much!" "Buteeni!" "What, I don't sell bananas? Look I can prove that it's knackered, droid! Do you want a game of cards?" The droid answers "Nope, can't be bothered". "See what I mean! Lets have the other R2 unit" "Excellent choice sir", pipes up C3PO "Shut up Gold boy" "Buteeni!" "Good move them into the house", Luke stomps off thinking about whether or not to put into action his plan involving Wedge, some power converters, a large tub of engine oil and a grudge dating back to the time that Wedge sent him into a bar in Mos Isley and told him to "Ask for the special, tell them Zack sent you".

Later that night Luke is in the garage drinking his way into oblivion and embellishing his revenge plan outlandishly. Threepio is soaking in an oil bath and moaning about his journey. Luke is completely uninterested, dismissing the rebels as scum which upsets Threepio no end. Then R2D2 trundles over "beep pippity birrrp sqeeek" "What's he sayin Goldenboy" slurred Luke. Threepio doesn't reply as he is sulking. "OK OK the rebels aint that bad - the Y wing fighter is still a piece of junk though" "Master Luke, R2 says he is fitted with a restraining bolt." "I can see that - a guitar shaped piece of metal jammed into that droid is hard to miss. What do you want me to do about it?" "Well remove it Master Luke." Luke staggers over to the corner and picks up a monkey wrench, which he then whacks R2 over the head with. The restraining bolt shoots across the room. Artoo whirrs, clunks and then falls over. "Ahh shit - he was the last R2 unit at the market and now he's busted. Uncle Owen's gonna kill me" Suddenly a cone of light beams out from R2D2's dome. It appears to be a holographic projection. Luke stares in fascination at the scantily clad woman being projected just above his head. Due to the unusual viewing angle the ordinary movements of the computer generated figure appear incredibly erotic. Then a voice is heard. "Obi Wan Kenobi - you organised my fathers stag night all those years ago. Now it is my birthday and once again our family's need is great. The secret recipe for Aldaraan punch is locked in the memory circuits of this R2 unit. You must bring it to Aldaraan and find me. Help me Obi Wan Kenobi - you're my only hope." The hologram fades out. Luke scratches his stubble. "I wonder if that babe meant old Ben Kenobi, notorious Rebel and madman. Naahhh no way! Anyway I'm knackered guys - I'm catching some sleep."

The next morning when Luke wakes up, "Owww... my head feels like a Wookie's been using it for target practise" "Master Luke sir, I'm afraid that R2 has buggered off", pipes up C3P0 "Good riddance to the little git", mutters Luke, "No wait! He had that picture of that girl! She looked like a good shag, I think I'd better go and find her, I mean him, the droid of course", Luke stomps off to his families Volkswagen Flymo, picks up C3P0 and throws him in the back. "Sir please be careful, I am fluent in over 3 million forms of communication but quite delicate". "Shut it", growls Luke, and guns the engine. They fly over the endless desert, Luke is feeling really rather crappy due to the industrial strength engine oil he appears to have to drunk the night before. "There he is, surrounded by those sand people" Luke guns the motor and roars down towards R2D2. Unfortunately they are unfazed by this tactic and stand their ground. Luke smashes into a sand person head on, which does more damage to his Flymo than the sand person. Threepio moans in the back. Another 5 sand people pull out rather vicious looking blaster rifles. Just as it looks like curtains for Luke a loud slithering noise is heard. The sand people scream and run away. Luke looks round and spots an old man in a loose fitting shabby robe. "You were lucky there," observes the old man "good thing the sand people are scared to death of the fabric eating sandworm - a harmless creature but it does demolish their clothing." "Who are you old man!" demands Luke aggressively, the remnants of a hangover beating sluggishly against his temples. "Wait a minute - it can't be, its old Ben Kenobi!" "The same " replies Kenobi smiling benevolently "What the hell are you doing out here and who ARE you?"

"My name's Luke, I was looking for this heap of junk here", he points at R2D2, R2 manages to look hurt. "Ah! The whining Skywalker, yes I knew your father, powerful Jedi was he", says Ben looking off into the distance. Luke looks confused, he pulls out a large leaf of papers and quickly flicks through it, "Isn't Yoda supposed to say that line? I think it's in the next film?" "Erm... um, well I don't get enough lines in this film anyway!", off in the distance sounds of sandmen on the march can be heard, "I think we'd best get out of here before the sandmen return with some insecticide".

At Ben's bachelor's apartment Luke looks for somewhere to sit down, "Please excuse the mess had a bit of a party last night", Ben says picking up what appears to be a soiled bra, he quickly pushes it into his pocket. "So what are you doing out here then?", he asks "Well I'm looking for an Obi Wan Kenobi, my hot date needs rescuing", Luke replies "Obi Wan, obi wan", Ben strikes a dramatic pose and tries to look as if he's looking off into the past (he fails and just looks as if he's constipated), "I haven't heard that name in a long time..., a long time..." "So you know who he is then?", Luke asks "Nope, we never did find out who it was, always wanted to know" "Oh... this buggers the rest of the film up", Luke looks worried, "I know! Why don't you just pretend you're Obi Wan, I'll give you these droids if you do!" "Oh all right then, can I whiter on about the force?", asks Ben hopefully An expression of pain passes over Luke's face "If you have to" Ben brightens up considerably "Right young Luke - you'll need this lightsaber thingy - it was your fathers you know" Luke looks puzzled "My father - a Jedi? I thought my father was the mighty Darth Vader, lover of liberty and merciless hacker to bits of Rebel scum, not some poncy limp wristed religious freak!" Now its Ben's turn to look confused "I think you have the wrong end of the stick here Luke - let me explain." Ben aka Obi Wan Kenobi tells Luke strange tales of mighty battles and the downfall of reason, order, the old Republic and cheap booze. As the tale goes on Luke's eyes slowly glaze over only to widen in horror as Ben finishes his tale. "You mean Darth - Dad is the bad guy?" "I'm afraid so Luke - unexpected is this, unexpected and dangerous." "Stop pinching lines Ben - I'll kill my father when I find him - the lying bastard!" Ben hands Luke the lightsaber, "Try this." Luke ignites the lightsaber and a brilliant blade of mystical energy blasts a hole in the floor inches from his foot. He swings the blade into an upright position, narrowly missing Ben's chest and grins maniacally in the light of the weapon's blade.

"Urm... yes, that's quite enough.", Ben picks up one of C3P0's arms and hands it to the droid, "Let's have a look at these droids", he kicks R2, R2 bleeps and displays the same holographic scene as he did in Luke's place last night "Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope. Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope. Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope", Ben kicks R2 again and the message stops. "Right, stuff that for a laugh, anyone that repeats what they're saying twenty times definitely deserves everything they get", he stomps over to his coat. "Come on let's go to Mos Isley and get pissed!" Luke looks panicky, "Wait Ben, she said that the droid contains the secret recipe of Aldaraan punch, it's probably quite good" "You're underage aren't you? I can tell because you've never tried it, it's lousy. Come on I'll buy you a proper drink, fermented Jawa urine!" Luke looks green but follows Ben to his rather dented car.

Hurtling randomly across the desert in Luke's flymocar, Ben and Luke suddenly come across an enormous and obviously deserted Jawa transport. Dead bodies litter the ground and someone has carved - Imperial Stormtrooper unit X334a were 'ere with blaster bolts on its side. Ben nods his head "Only Imperial Stormtroopers are that accurate." "No shit" says Luke "Hold on - if they intercepted the Jawa's they were looking for... droids, so next they'll probably go .... home!" Without stopping to let Ben out, Luke wrenches the flymo through 180 degrees, spitting sand in a wide arc before rushing home at suicidal speeds. When they arrive they see the farm in ruins. Clearly nobody has survived. Luke grinds his teeth with rage, "Those bloody stormtroopers - I'll rip their tits off if I catch them!" Ben is looking thoughtful, "The emperor would not go to all this trouble just to get one lousy punch recipe - those droids have more information than we think. Time for a trip to Aldaraan I think young Skywalker." Luke nods dumbly and points the flymo at Mos Isley. "Ben - we get trolleyed first OK - I hate space travel. In fact I'd make a lousy pilot."

Ben and Luke drive up to a dune overlooking Mos Isley, Ben turns to Luke, "Mos Isley, never will you see a more picturesque town, it's inhabitants are pretty nice people and the bars! Well I'll show you the bars my young friend!" "But my uncle Owen said that Mos Isley is a 'wretched hive of scum and villainy'", says Luke a bit disappointedly. "Yeah like he told you your mother was a giant Sarlek", Ben grins Luke looks horrified, "You mean she's not!"

Later driving into town they drive past a group of four stormtroopers. "<cshhhh> Halt", says a grunt. "Watch this by the way", says Ben quietly to Luke and winks. "<cshhh> Are these your droids?", asks the sergeant politely. "You don't need to see our papers", Ben waves his hand and looks mysterious. "<cshhh> We don't need to see your papers", says the sergeant. "These aren't the droids you're looking for", Ben does his fancy hand movement again. "<cshhh> These aren't the droids we're looking for. Err... What droids? We're looking for some coffee pots?", the sergeant looks confused. Ben looks worried, "Erm... Ur... Move along?", he says desperately whilst looking like he's doing a karate chop "<cshhhh> Get out of here you old fart and leave off with the tiachi or we'll do you for reckless driving", the troopers wander off and go and berate the local coffee shop owner. "Fwew that was close, good thing my incredible Jedi mind control powers saved us there!", Ben tries to look smug and succeeds. "Yeah right...", says Luke completely unconvinced. After a hard days pubcrawling trying desperately to get into a fight, Ben and Luke are getting noisily plastered in the corner of a bar. "Can't find a find a *hic* bloody bar brawl anywhere these days" slurs Ben weaving slightly from side to side, "`s crappy beer this." Luke, who being under age is actually quite enjoying the beer nods sagely and slumps into a pool of some sticky green liquid, spilt several rounds back. "How come we can't find a disreputable smuggler anywhere Ben!" he whines, "We have to find one - the script says so" "Use the force Luke" whispers Ben in a bad theatrical whisper. "No hold *hic* on a sec, that's later innit." At that moment a smartly dressed human walks into the bar accompanied by a Wookie. "The usual please Grosf," he says to the barman "here's a 10 credit tip" The voice is soft, cultured and reasonable. He spots Ben and Luke slumped in a corner "and for heavens sake chuck those bums out!" Luke decides to play the sympathy card "Look mate," he shouts "My bloody family were killed today, by some Imperial cockup, so quit calling us bums and fuck off!" "Gee I'm sorry to hear that pal," replies the figure, then gives a roguish wink, "The name's Han Solo by the way and that fleapit over there is Chewbacca. We're smugglers!" Solo looks around and grins conspiratorially " Are you guys looking for a lift."

"Here let me handle this" Luke slurs at Ben, "Why yesh, we are. Why don't you sit down", Han and Chewbacca sit down opposite the drunken pair. "Have you got a fast ship?" interjects Ben "Fast? Have you bums never heard of the Millennium Falcon?", Han looks slightly hurt when Luke and Ben give him very blank and drunken stares, "She's the ship that made the Kessel run in less than 2 parsecs!", Ben looks a bit confused, "Isn't a parsec a unit of distance...?", Han ignores the question. Luke goes, "Oh well, in that case" he waves his hands about and says "Give us your keyssss...", in Jedi mind control mode. Han goes cross-eyed for a minute and then hands over the keys to his spaceship. "Luke you idiot, you're in no state to fly!", Ben snatches the keys off him and hands them back to Solo, "Sorry Mr. Solo, the kids a prat". "I'd kind of figured that, but nethertheless I demand ten thousand credits to carry that twat", he smirks "You don't need our money...", Ben does taichi again "We don't need your money", Chewy looks horrified at what he hears Han saying. "In fact it'll be a pleasure carrying us for free..", more silly hand waving "Yes, it'll be a pleasure", says Han hypnotically. "Crawwwll, growl!", says Chewy <translation, No it bloody won't!> "Hangar 13, eight o'clock and don't be late", Han gets up and walks off out of the bar desperately trying to fend off Chewy who is intent on ripping his arms off. Ben grins smugly "The Force can have considerable influence over weak minds. That Wookie wasn't buying it though. Now its your round!" Hours later, Ben and Luke make their way to hangar 13. On the way they manage to look very suspicious by ducking into all the alleyways, dark spaces and behind all the cover they can find. The stormtroopers look on in amusement then go back to interrogating a coffee pot they have managed to procure. ">chssss> Where are the plans?" "would you like some coffee sir?" "<chssss> NO for the last bloody time I would not. Now where are the plans or I'll rip your spout off!"

Meanwhile at Prisoner Cell Block H, Death Star, somewhere in the galaxy. Leia looks up as the door hisses open. A strangely jolly droid wearing a red and white furry hat hovers outside the door. In one claw it holds a party squeaker, in the other a glass of very cheap wine. "Oh for crying out loud," says Leia "Can't you guys do better than this."

In the main control room, Darth is berating his commander. "But sir her resistance is considerable. We've tried everything, even having the droid throw a party of such patheticness, that she should have broken down in sheer frustration." "Have you tried the strange pieces of spiky metal with knobbly bits on." The commander blushes, "erm yes sir, she found them err very interesting. And not at all scary sir." "Bring her to the bridge, I have an alternate means of persuasion!"

On Tatooine, blissfully unaware of all this Luke and Ben are locked in a small room on board the Millennium Falcon. "This is your fault!" shouts Luke "I told you not to laugh at his ship." Ben is unrepentant, "So what - the man's a braggart and a fool. This hunk of junk couldn't escape the gravity field of a small asteroid, never mind come perilously close to a black hole on the Kessel run." There is a whining of machinery, followed by a muffled curse and a thump. The machinery suddenly sounds a lot more positive, and with a roar of power, the Millennium Falcon blasts into space, flattening Luke and Ben into a wall. "You were saying?" enquires Luke sarcastically.

Back on the Death Star Darth is not having very much success, "Look! I've told you, the answers no! You can stop with all that damned taichi stuff it's not going to help you", Leia snaps. "Bugger, oh well could you at least tell me where the Rebel's giant party is so that I can gatecrash?", Darth asks desperately. "No. Not even if you give me that spiky knobbly thing back!" "Right that's it if you're going to be a moody cow then I'm going to turn your home planet of Alderan into a giant blancmange! Commander get ready to fire the weapon!" "NO! Alderan is peaceful, we have no weapons, not even any decent parties!", Leia gasps looking at Darth with desperation in her eyes. "You know of another planet, a planet which is much more fun! Then tell me now!", Darth would look smug if you could see past his leather mask. The princes hesitates, "Give me the knobbly thing back" Darth replies "ok." and thinks to himself "I must remember to scrutinise that film of the interrogation". She pauses, "Dantoine, they're on Dantoine...", and hangs her head in shame, aware that her fetishes have brought disaster upon a good party. "Right, you may fire when ready!", Darth says "WHAT!!! You said you wouldn't!", a bright pink light flies out of the Death Star and turns the entire planet pink, the planet then in turn gets attacked by a giant horde of dessert-eating Bantha's who are messy eaters. Bits of blancmange goes everywhere. "Take her to her cell", Darth says to the resident troops, "oh and by the way remember to fix a video camera in her cell", he whispers to a passing Stormtrooper.

On board the Millennium Falcon, Chewie is reluctantly escorting the prisoners to the bridge. R2D2 is plugged into the main computer and is making several alarmed bleeping noises. Solo is looking furious. "What do you mean the hyperdrive is a crazy lashup. I'm going to deactivate you droid. Hey kid can you talk to this droid?" "Err I think so, " says Luke, somewhat uncertainly, "What do you want him to do." Luke looks out of the front cockpit window. Sticky pink blobs appear to be liberally blatting against it leaving sticky marks. "This may be a silly question," he says," but why are we flying through a blancmange storm?" Solo looks up startled "You mean we ARE flying through a blancmange - I thought my sensor array was just buggered again. Hmm the droid was right after all!" R2D2 bleeps smugly to himself, twiddling his dome in a self satisfied manner. Chewie thumps him with a massive hairy fist and glares at Threepio when he tries to complain. "So what happened to Alderan?" says Ben quietly, before falling to his knees with an agonised expression. Luke rushes to his side "Ben are you OK?" "I just sensed a great disturbance in the Force!" "That's crap Ben - I said whither about the Force, not use it. Besides shouldn't you have sensed this hours ago." Ben looks shamefaced, "OK OK - bet you couldn't do any better though! I sensed a million voices crying out in bewilderment and then extreme fear - something dreadfully silly has happened." At this point all the lights on the bridge start to flash various warning signals and the Falcon rocks to a burst of laser fire. As Luke staggers to his feet, he catches a glimpse of a very annoyed looking TIE fighter, covered in splotches of pink blancmange.

"Where did he come from?", cries Solo, "A ship that small couldn't get this far out into space without an escort?" "He must have been part of a convoy or something and got lost?", replies Luke. "Right, Chewie, let's use him as target practise. Jam his communications!", Chewie flicks a couple of switches, sparks fly out of the control panels and the entire cockpit goes dark. "Chewie you idiot! I said flick the jamming switch! Not the fuse-everything-in-the-cockpit switch! Come to think of it I don't know why we have a switch that does that?". Several hours later the lights come back on again after Han and Luke have done major repairs to the electronics. Tie fighter has almost died of boredom but sees that the Millennium Falcon is now ready to start the chase sequence, it fires two shots to piss Solo off and flies off towards a rather suspicious look moon. "Right! Now jam his communications!", this time the _right_ switch is flicked. "He's heading towards that small moon!", cries Luke "That's no moon", says Ben ominously, "That's a space-station!" "Huh?", Solo looks at his instrumentation, "Are you sure?" "Oh, er... sorry, you're right it is a moon", Ben looks em barrassed, "Got a bit carried away there, the giant Deathstar (tm) that the moon's orbiting kind of put me off" "Erm...? Is this a good time to say I've got a bad feeling about this?", Luke asks nervously as a giant blue net leaps out of the Deathstar and envelops the ship. "Chewie full reverse and throw in the extra power!", Han cries desperately

Chewie picks up a large lump of glowing fuel marked 'extra' and takes it back to the engines. There is a distant clunk and the ship starts to vibrate more strongly. Unfortunately this does not appear to work and the Millennium Falcon is dragged towards the Death Star (tm). Chewie howls nervously. Luke scratches his head - "I've gotta plan boys - one that will cut out large amounts of unnecessary plot." Ben looks crestfallen "Does that mean I get even less lines than usual?" "Oh no Ben - we still have to include a large amount of script for you." "Cut the chatter kid," demands Han "Tell us your plan." "Right. Ben you hide in the smuggling compartments and jump out when the coast is clear." Han sulks "How did you know about my smuggling compartments?" Luke looks a little uncomfortable, "Han, I'm no smuggler but secret panels should not be bright pink with Top Secret stencilled on them." "Ahhhh - THAT explains why my last 20 shipments were intercepted - guess I should disable that radio ID beacon as well huh?" Chewie covers his face in embarrassment "Grrrooowwll Grr Roooaaa" (I told him but would he listen to me. No 'shut up carpet features' he says. Now some pathetic kid points out the obvious and makes me look a fool.) "Anyway" says Luke, "The rest of us hide in those boxes marked "Party Toys". With any luck they'll take us directly to the Princess's cell!"

The ship is dragged into the Deathstar (tm) and lands, a party of stormtroopers go on board to search it. Due to it being a rather good party the stormtroopers are all pissed out of their heads and therefore find absolutely nothing on board. "<cshhhh> Shir thersh nothing on board thish ship, hick! The logs shay that the occupants ejected before they enter hyperspaceymedooda", with that the troopers wander off to go to the bathroom (although one of them was a bit desperate and pissed over the nice pink panels, "hah that'll teach them to have repainted the ship!", he thinks drunkenly to himself"). Two of the troopers take the party supplies with them as they're running a bit low. Meanwhile in the ship Obi Wan is wondering why the sprinkler system in Han's ship has started operating, "Damn stormtroopers, nothing but a bloody bunch of pyromaniacs.", he pushes open the panel and starts to walk nonchalantly out of the ship. Twenty Jedi mind control episodes later he finally makes it out of the hangar ("<cshhh> you there stop!", "Look at that stain on your trousers, burn it off with your gun", hand waving <bang!> "aaargh!") In front of Ben is a large switch with 'Forcefield shut off, please leave on by order of D.Vader'. Ben switches it off and a loud Huuuuuuuuummmmmmmm can be heard all over the station, everyone ignores it though as they're listening to their personal stereos (why else do stormtroopers wear helmets all the time?).

On the bridge Vader is trying to figure out where the ship has come from. "Sir the ship matches the description of a ship that was very suspicious in leaving Mos Isley." says the quite high ranking officer that's hanging around on the bridge. "Good work, they may be trying to return the plans to the princess, she may yet be of some use to us", double the guard on her cell!" "Yes sir", the officer turns around and walks off happy to have survived the encounter with Vader (promotion is very quick in the empire if you hang around Vader, unfortunately so is permanent demotion)

At the prisoner complex, several drunken stormtroopers have left the box of Party Supplies and disappeared to find some nachos "<cchhhhh> - Nachos uhh rule heheheheheh." "chhhhh. Ur ah shut up Buttmunch." Han, Luke and Chewie spring out of the box and find themselves in a control room. The droids follow them somewhat more slowly. Just then two hungover stormtroopers lurch out of a door marked "Bathroom". Quickly overpowering them Han and Luke disguise themselves as Stormtroopers. "You stay here Han - I'll find the Princess! Hey what does this button do?" Luke presses a button on his sleeve and promptly shoots up two feet into the air, as his legs appear to grow. "Cool - electric stilts, odd equipment for a Stormtrooper though." Unsteadily, Luke lurches off to the cells. After spending a fruitless 20 minutes banging on doors and shouting, he comes to cell block H. Inside is a rather attractive, if scantily clad woman. Quickly hiding some rather strange implements behind her, she stands to look at him. "Aren't you a little tall for a Stormtrooper." "<chhhh>. Ah sorry, hold on a minute." Luke hits the button again, returning to normal height, before taking off his battle helmet. "I'm Luke Skywalker - I'm here to rescue you."

On the bridge Vader grins evilly and strolls down to the docking bay. He walks over to the Millennium Falcon and attaches a small black box to it. Checking his portable subradio receiver, Vader is astonished to discover two signals coming from the Falcon. One is a secret encrypted Imperial tracking beacon, the other a general frequency signal, declaring the cargo, crew and destination of the Millennium Falcon to any interested party. Vader looks astonished and then collapses, laughing hysterically!

Unfortunately the in the control room of the prison complex a light begins to flash on one of the consoles. "Mr Solo sir, I heartily recommend that you answer that request by the central command", C3P0 says worriedly. "Er... yeah, ok", Han walks over to the console and presses the receive button, "Yeah, what'd you want!" "Hallo there", a thick Scottish accent replies, "this is Balmore glazing, we were wondering if your Deathstar has double glazing?", Han and Chewie look confused at one another, "Er... no we're fine down here, everything's double glazed, we've not had any accidents or anything with the windows, er... how about you?", Han smiles to himself at that brilliant comeback. "Och no, we've had all our windows octuple glazed so you couldn't get a bazooka round through one of them. Although it's bloody hot in here, so I'll be sending a man over just to check", he gets no further as Han blasts the console, "Luke! We've got trouble!" he shouts down the corridor, "Double glazing salesman are turning up!"

In the cell Luke grabs the princess and rushes out into the corridor just in time to see Han and Chewie run down the corridor, behind them large stacks of paper with "Contract" written over them bounce off the walls. "There were too many of them!", Han yells as he blasts randomly down the corridor, "Couldn't stop myself from signing so we had to retreat! Besides, the Falcon's already double glazed!", Chewie grimaces at this last piece of information, Owaaar Owww Ooook he mutters to himself (He never bloody listens to me, No we don't need bloody double glazing I said, there's no point in having it in space I said, but no he never hears a bloody word I say!) Ben stops and holds a hand up, "I sense a disturbance in the Force, coming from.... that wall dudes" Han blasts the wall in pure reflex and is astonished to discover that it opens. "Well whaddaya know - blowing up walls really does open secret passages - I thought that only happened in computer games." They all dive through the gap, which seals behind them. Inside it is cold and they are confronted by a truly mountainous stack of beer crates and an extremely drunk double glazing salesman chatting to an equally pissed Emperor. The Emperor cackles evilly "Bet you didn't know I turned up in this film did you boys? Here have a drink - Darkforce Lager, you'll love it!" There is a thump as he falls over backwards into a stack of empty cans. Shrugging in bewilderment they all run through the imperial beer fridge to the lift at the far end. This takes them by a huge coincidence (and laziness on the part of the author) to the main docking bay. Han, Leia, Chewie and the droids run into the Falcon. Luke turns around to see Ben talking to Vader. They appear to be playing cards. " Full house beats your 3 of a kind old man." "Bugger - best out of 79?" "When we first played poker, I was but the pupil. Now you have returned and I am the cardshark." Ben jumps to his feet. "Right that's it - cheats never prosper!" He ignites his lightsaber....

Darth stands up and ignites his sabre, it goes up slower than Ben's as befits an older man. Ben closes his eyes, looks serene, attacks Vader and misses by three feet. He turns around and looks Vader full in the mask, "If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine", he says smugly. "You are full of shit Obi Wan, now fight!", Vader swings at Ben, unfortunately Ben has been fiddling nervously with his lightsabre and accidentally hits the 'off' button, "OH BUGGER!" he cries just before Vader slices through his neck. His body falls to the floor and gets covered by his cloak, strangely there doesn't appear to be anything under the cloak. Vader looks at the cloak, prods it with his boot and mutters "Bloody Jedi magic trip, could have at least left his body behind...", and then turns to look at the falcon. Luke and Han, who decided ten minutes before to cut their losses and bugger off, are currently flying at hyperspeed towards the secret Rebel party. On the ship Leia is comforting Luke. "It's not your fault, if he was stupid enough to switch his lightsabre off then he got what he deserved.", she says soothingly. "Yeah, but who am I going to go drinking with now?", Luke whines, "He was the only person who I've ever gone drinking with who could get free drinks by waving their hands", he turns round and looks at Leia, "But enough about him, tell me about yourself?". Leia looks confused, "What do you want to know?", Luke grins, "Well, what type of men do you like, do you do it on a first date and do you want to do it now?". Back in the cockpit Han has been having fun shooting down lots of imperial tie fighters who, for some reason, followed them into hyperspace. He switches the intercom on, "Luke we're going to be partying in 5 minutes"

Cue military music... As the camera switches back to track the Millennium Falcon swooping inelegantly through the atmosphere of the secret Rebel party planet, signs of activity are seen below. People are scurrying about taking down banners, putting away tables and putting beer bottles back into null gee stretcher fridge units. A lone rebel soldier waves the Falcon into land.

"Chewie CHEWIE, put the bloody undercarriage down." "Growwww Arrrrgh, Grr" (It is down you fool, how about some retro power or even switching on the repulsorlift drive.) Luke and Leia clamber out of one of the smuggling compartments, looking distinctly flushed and a bit sticky. Luke has the uncomfortable feeling that he has just done something silly and possibly illegal. As the Falcon clatters to a halt, important looking Rebel personnel are gathering round it nervously. Everyone piles out of the hatch. Leia speaks briefly to one of the Rebels and hands over R2D2. "The plans are in here - look under Aldaraan Punch.txt but make sure you use Windows 95 - it is the only program we have that can handle long filenames."

Some time later..... The Rebel briefing room. Luke is looking a touch nervous having just tried out the X Wing flight simulator. As he didn't actually crash his ship he has been drafted into some secret mission. "Frankly," he thinks "I don't want anything to do with this. I want a bottle of decent booze, a waterbed and the Princess - in that order." In contrast Solo is looking fiercely patriotic and raring for a fight. An officer comes in and switches on various displays. "Right men - the bad news is the Party is cancelled. The good news is you get to fly a suicide mission against the most heavily armed and largest Imperial spacecraft ever built!" The pilots look less than enthusiastic about this. "We have analysed the plans provided by Princess Leia and we believe that we have found a weakness in the Imperial craft. During its construction, the Imperials built a safety system into their Death Star. This consists of a self destruct system to prevent it falling into enemy hands. The self destruct system is set off by a large red button but getting to it will not be easy. You are required to fly at top speed down this trench until you see this hatch here (pointing at a 3D plan). Launching two proton torpedoes in quick succession ought to blow the hatch off and then trigger the self destruct. Any questions?"

"Yes sir - why can't we just approach the hatch dead on rather than flying down a trench? What use are snub fighters against that bloody thing anyway and how the hell do we hit the hatch - a computer couldn't do it!" Luke pipes up and gets a dirty look from everyone. "Ahh piece of piss - I used to score bullseyes at Tatooine darts back in the bar at home after 20 pints. This should be simple in comparison!" "We believe that snub fighters should be agile enough to avoid the unfeasibly large laser weapons on that Deathstar. They are designed for a large scale assault. Besides we are giving you a Y-Wing squadron - they should act as cannon fodder for long enough to let you do the job. Now man your craft, may the Force be with you and last one back is a blancmange!" "Really," thinks Luke "He could have picked a more tactful phrase!"....

The rebels launch their attack, one thousand expendable Y-wing fighters and twenty not quite so expendable X-wings fly towards the Deathstar. "All wings check in, except for the Y-wings that is", "Red five standing by", "Red ten standing by", all the wings get counted out and are found to be present. Luke, who's in Red two is trying to figure out how to fly the craft, hears a ghostly voice "Use the controls Luke you pillock", "Who the hell's that!", he screams frying the communication circuits of all the other X-wings. "It's me, Ben, I'm a sort of forcey ghosty thing now, it's quite cool. Now use that bloody control stick." "Oh sorry, ok", Luke takes the controls and blows up a perfectly innocent Y-wing to provide some cover against any missiles that might be lurking in the area. "Right there she is!", "Look at the size of that thing!!!", cries one fighter, "Red seven and twelve, keep your kinky talk till afterwards. Now red five and nine join me in flying a suicide mission down that trench". "ok red one" Red one, five and nine fly down the trench skilfully avoiding all the laser fire that is emanating from the gun turrets and causing general destruction as they fly. Onwards they fly towards the giant button, suddenly red five is blown up! A trio of tie-fighters have joined them in the trench and are kicking the general crap out of the X-wings. Red one is almost in firing range "Almost there...", red nine gets hit by laser fire and careers off the side of the trench and blows up in a spectacular fashion. "Almost there...", just five hundred meters until firing range red one screams down the trench followed by the tie-fighters, "Almost th... aaaarrrrrgh.", red one smacks into a huge brick wall someone's built in the centre of the trench and explodes into tiny little fragments. In one of the tie-fighters behind him Vader smirks to himself "You do not know the power of the cement side!" he says smugly. The battle's not going well for the rebels, all but one of the Y-wings have been destroyed by the empire (who are enjoying themselves immensely) and they are starting to wipe out the X-wings. Wedge in red nineteen shouts into his (now repaired) radio "Right, stuff this for a laugh, I want a drink", he fires off a missile and hits the button straight on, "It just impacted in on the surface, DAMN!", Luke who's flying slightly behind Wedge sees that the missile has in fact triggered the button and realises that Wedge is going to get all the credit. "Use lots of force Luke..." Ben whispers, "RIGHT!", says Luke and launches two missiles right into Wedge's fighter. It explodes quite nicely taking out a passing tie-fighter making it look like an accident. "It's a hit!", cries Luke, to the side of him Porkins goes "Excellent shot kid! That was one in a million", Porkins never liked Wedge's jokes about his weight. The remaining two X-wings and one Y-wing fly away as the Deathstar blows up in a rather impressive fashion.

The ships get back to the rebel base, a huge party is going on, the two X-wing's land on the landing pad and the Y-wing crashes into the building (although the pilot survives). Leia runs towards Luke and gives him a huge snog, Chewbaca runs towards Porkins and gives _him_ a huge snog. Everyone is jumping around smiling as they are really happy not to be blamange. Later on in a huge hall dramatic music is played as Han, Luke and Chewie walk slowly down the aisle, they reach the raised dais at the end where a man is sitting with a large cigar, "Now then, now then" says the man, "Young lady from Alderan wrote to me and asked me 'Dear Jim, could you please fix it for me to have a galaxy of peace and harmony?'. We acceded to her request and now you all get a Jim'll fix it medal", he leans over and gives Luke one, "Here you go Luke my son, 'Jim fixed it for me to blow up the Deathstar'", he leans over to Han and gives him one as well, "There you go Solo, 'Jim fixed it for me to brag about my ship'", he looks at Chewbaca, "I'm afraid that Chewbaca doesn't get a medal as he is a bad rolemodel for kids, look at all those packets of cigarettes, you nicotine fiend, get out of my sight!", Chewbaca hangs his head in shame and slinks off. "Why's he called Chewbaca anyway?", Luke whispers to Han, "Because that's what he does when he runs out of cigarettes!", Han replies. Everyone laughs and cheers and then the roof collapses in on them.

back up to spoof pages